Down for the Count Pt. 07

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I have never been so ashamed of myself. What I did to the guys swim team was unforgivable. I was given a gift that was more precious than anything was and I squandered it away on selfish, physical desires. I used these guys for my own sexual pleasure, I took advantage of their minds and bodies and I don’t know what to do about it. I assume Mom and I will have to move away again. I am truly a monster and no one will ever be able to love me. My own sexual desire was out of control and I couldn’t restrain myself. I tried to ignore how hot the guys at school are, but I couldn’t get them out of my mind. At first I told myself I would just peak in on them, their minds, their bodies, their fantasies, but then I needed more and more until finally, I just . . .

My Mom had pulled the power out of me, she showed me how to let her in and now I finally have some peace, but the damage has already been done. I don’t know if I can forgive myself. I wrote this explanation all out in a long letter and left it in the swim team locker room for the guys to read. It’s a lame way to make an apology (plus how could I ever apologize for what I did to them?) but it was the only way I could do it—I could never face them again!

On that day, as Mark Parker was behind me, thrusting into me I thought I was in love with him, I thought I had finally found the one, but when his girlfriend Abby flashed him and told him she loved him, I felt it. I felt the power of their love through our “connection” as it filled Mark’s heart. I felt that unbearable light of happiness and warmth for only a second as it passed into him and I suddenly realized that I would never have that with Mark or any of the other guys. I feel like love is something I can never have or fully understand.

I have been living in fear and sorrow for the last week and a half. I’ve skipped school, Mom let me stay mostly to myself, she understands that I need to be alone. I might as well start getting used to it—

Hold on! That’s where I stopped writing a few days ago. Something unreal has happened since then. As I was writing that last part the doorbell rang and Mom answered, a moment passed then she yelled for me to come downstairs. I asked her what was up and she said that there was a note left on the door for me. I opened it and it simply read:

Dear Brad and Helen,

Please attend the boys swim meet today at the school.


Mom and I looked at each other suspiciously. I was very concerned that the guys might want revenge for what I did to them and thought that this might be how it begins. Mom and I discussed it and we decided that the swim meet would be in public so what could be the harm. I was very against the idea, even if they didn’t want revenge I would be humiliated to be seen by them. I didn’t want to go, but she insisted. She said I did a horrible thing and I needed to face it. Maybe the guys just wanted to talk and get a real explanation from me and I should have to give them one.

Basically she dragged me there. The whole trip I was terrified, I didn’t want to go near the pool. I knew the guys would still be in the locker room, but their girlfriends would be in the stands and they would see me. I wouldn’t be able to take their glares, their hateful, vengeful scowls.

But Mom forced me and I deserved it.

As I sat in the stands I saw quite a few of the girls, but none of them really made eye contact with me. They were looking to confirm that I was there, but they didn’t really look at me. I looked all around waiting for an attack, a prank, something . . .


I took the day off from college to attend Mark’s swim meet. He and Abby didn’t say why they wanted me there, but they invited Mom and I. In fact, it looked like someone on the team invited practically everyone in town. There were a lot of murmurs, everyone was expecting something, but nobody seemed to know what. Abby knew; she was in on whatever it was. She and Mark had been inseparable since that day and they made the cutest couple ever. I was so proud of my brother for doing what he did to save himself, his friends, and the girl he loved. And I was proud of Abby, lets face it, without her perfect knockers we might be in a whole other story right now.

The opposing team gathered in their area and we waited Yozgat Escort for our guys to enter. To be honest these meets are always boring as hell and as I mentioned our team pretty much sucks, but something interesting was going to happen I knew that much.

Then I noticed him; Brad Drake and Helen too, they were here. That seemed strange, I figured they would have pulled up stakes and bailed by now, but there they were here watching the swim team. I considered going over there and confronting them when our team arrived. The guys came out of the locker room and to everyone’s amazement they were all wearing Speedos! Not just any Speedos, but rainbow colored ones!

I couldn’t help but smile. Mom gasped when she realized Mark was one of the boys wearing a Speedo.

“Good Lord will you look at that! Look at what your brother is wearing in front of all these people! What do you think brought this on?” Mom asked.

“I don’t know, maybe he had an enlightening experience!”

The girls were feverishly running around handing out fliers to the crowd. Abby came to Mom and I and handed us each one. When we looked at it Mom smiled in amazement.

It was a photo of the boys swim team in their rainbow Speedos with their arms around each other standing side by side proudly displaying their bodies in the bright sunlight. On the back it read:

The Boys Swim Team of Whitby supports people of all sexualities. We stand together to say that no one person should ever feel shame for how they feel or for whom they love. We are all human; we are all the same and should never be treated differently. We pledge to accept everyone with nothing but warmth in our hearts and we ask the good people of Whitby to do the same.

Mom pointed to Mark’s body in the picture and it was apparent that he at least had a semi in the photo, we both looked at each other and laughed!

Then Abby nudged me nodding her head toward Brad.

I looked over and saw tears flowing down Brad’s face as he read the flier. My heart melted. I always knew my brother was a good man, but now I know he is a great man. That he could find nothing but love and compassion for this lonely boy at his school after everything that happened—Mark is the very best humanity has to offer! I have never been more proud of my small town, the boys of the swim team, or my brother. I love my brother with all my heart!


Before the swim meet was over I had to leave. I was so moved, so emotional I couldn’t stay. Mom helped me walk down the bleachers as tears streamed down my face. One older man stood up and moved out of the way to let me off of the bleachers and as I passed he patted me on the back and said, “It’s okay, buddy, we’re all with you!” and that made me cry even more. Thankfully Mom thanked him for me and we left. On the ride home in the convertible the fresh air of late spring filled my lungs and dried my tears. I began to look at this town differently, the small closeness of the community no longer seemed like a threat or an opposing force; it felt peaceful to me for the first time.

I got home and went right to my room. I wanted to talk to Mom, but I couldn’t get the words out without crying, besides, I knew she understood, she is wonderful. I fell into my bed and sobbed like a child.

Later on, I was in my bed on my back listening to music and looking at the flier of the boys. I still felt a little weird looking at their bodies and feeling horny, but you can’t fight Mother Nature and clearly they did this for me!

I re-read the back a million times. I think my heart increased in size with every word on that flier!

Then there was a knock on the door and Mom called me down yet again.

When I got to the bottom of the stairs I was shocked to see the entire swim team and their girlfriends in my living room!

“Hi!” Mark said, “I’m glad you guys got to come to the meet, we put some real effort into that. We just want you to know that we understand. We have no shame or anger, no regrets, and hopefully we never have to talk about it again.”

I felt more tears piling up but this time I managed to hold them back.

Mark spoke again, “Now just to be clear, we are not gay. We will not be falling in love with you. And nothing that happened before will happen again Yozgat Escort Bayan with any of us. At the same time, we did connect with you—in more ways than I care to think about—and most importantly we felt your pain. We want you to feel like you don’t have to hide; no one should ever have to feel that way. And besides, honestly, I’ve always wanted to be invisible so I could sneak into the girls showers and see them naked, so I can’t really hold it against you for what you did to us, it’s kind of the same thing so who could blame you! So anyway, if you can accept how we feel, then we’re cool.”

I nodded and managed to whisper, “Yes, of course, thank you.”

Abby stood up next with a devilish smile and proclaimed, “AND, our boys wanted to give you something even more special to show that there really are no hard feelings.” She handed me a rolled up poster.

“I had that printed in my Vis/Com class and if anyone finds out I did this I could be expelled, so were trusting you to keep it quiet!” Ari said.

I was confused as I unrolled the poster. Yet again, I was floored.

Mom looked at it to and said, “Oh my!”

Oh my, indeed! It was a poster of the same pose of the boys swim team as on the flier, only in this picture the boys had their backs to the camera and they had removed their Speedos!

The Entire boys swim team was completely nude in broad daylight with their naked butts on full display and they were giving this poster to me!

“That’s to tide you over till you find a real boyfriend!” Topher told me.

On the poster they had printed:

For Brad: We only have semi-hard feelings!

Mom and I looked at each one of them in the poster closely; their bare bodies were perfect! My God they were all perfect and showing themselves freely to me!

“Just for full disclosure, Ari printed off a few extra of those posters for us too, no reason you should have all the fun!” Jane said.

“This was my idea,” Mark said. “I have been looking at naked women my whole life, lusting after their bodies and I thought maybe it was time to give something back—we all did. And we decided their was no reason to feel shame or fear so we whipped out our . . .” Mark looked at my mom, “Well . . . our bodies. We were all pretty nervous posing for this and so whenever you look at this poster we hope it gives you some courage, if we can bare ourselves and let our guard down—as well as our Speedos—then so can you, figuratively I mean.”

“Or literally! We wouldn’t mind that either!” Jane added and everyone laughed.

Underneath each one of them in the poster they had each inscribed a personal note of encouragement to me. My heart swelled, I have never felt such generosity before from anyone other than Mom. I was speechless.

I nodded my head and quietly said, “Thank you, all of you. All of this, everything you have done for me means more than anything you can imagine.”

“Cool. So anyway, we’re headed down to the boardwalk now.” Mark said.

“Oh, okay, well thank you so much for all of this, you are all so . . . there’s no way I could ever explain how wonderful . . . you are all the most—

Then I choked on my words again and everyone smiled.

“Have fun at the boardwalk.” I choked out.

“Well, aren’t you coming too?” Abby asked. “We didn’t stop by just to give you a naked poster we wanted to know if you would hang out with us!” She said and again I was floored.

“Really?” I asked.

Then my newfound friends pulled me by the arm and out the door.

“You don’t have to be alone, man, not anymore.” K.C. said.

I looked back at my Mom who gave me a loving nod; she had tears in her eyes too.

My friends and I had the best night ever hanging out at the boardwalk. We played skeeball, saw a movie, threw a football on the beach, and just had normal teenage fun. I was accepted, I was loved, and I had friends. At one point Louie pulled me aside and told me his cousin was gay and maybe we should meet. He showed me a picture on his phone of his cousin and then I really wanted to meet him! Who knows where that may lead, but wherever it leads it would be real this time.

I heard somebody say this was like the story of Dracula and I guess in a way it was. In the end, however, they didn’t vanquish me by impaling me Escort Yozgat with a wooden stake. They did pierce my heart, but they pierced it with love, understanding and compassion.

I looked out at the sunset over the ocean and I saw Abby and Mark walking on the beach away from the crowd. I knew their love was eternal, I felt it and I envied them. I wondered if I would ever find love like that. I thought back to Louie’s cousin’s picture, then I took a moment to look at the group of my new friends and for the first time in my life—I was hopeful.


As Mark and I walked the beach, holding hands we talked.

“I really, really think Brad is happy.” I said

“And are you happy?” Mark asked.

“More than ever.” I said smiling. “And I really like that poster you gave Brad.”

Mark looked at me and smiled.

“You know I’ve been looking at that picture a lot and I really think you have the cutest butt of the bunch!” I said.

“Oh really?” Mark said.

“Yup, and I have to say as for your other side . . . I have been thinking about that a lot lately too. I think I’d really like to see it again. This time when I can do something about it!” I told him feeling very bold.

“And what kind of things would you like to do with it, may I ask?”

“Oh, I was thinking maybe we could recreate that first night, you lying helpless and nude, only this time I would be the one touching you, feeling your body. You could just lie there and let me play with you.” I said and I noticed Mark began walking a little funny. “And then maybe, just maybe I could lay there and let you have some fun with my body, because honestly, I want to feel what you felt.”

“I like the sound of that!” Mark said.

“And who knows, maybe sometime we could do some of that other stuff to. I have to say I really liked the way you looked when you were on your hands and knees. Maybe I’d like to put you in that position and see what it’s like to be the one penetrating!” I said and looked at him. There was a spark in his eyes!

“Yeah? Why, Ms. Van Houten, you sound very empowered! You are the hero of our story after all, I guess you should get the prize.” he said.

And then he kissed me. Mark kissed me more passionately then ever before and if I wasn’t head over heels in love with him already I fell hard for him right then.

I pressed my body against his and slipped my hand down the front of his shorts and wrapped my fingers around him.

He broke our kiss and exhaled into my ear, “Oh my God, Abby, I love you!”

And I knew in that moment we would spend our lives together and have a very loving, very erotic and very equal love affair!


Abby is the most sensational girl I could ever hope to have.

I love her with all of my heart. And finally I’m not afraid or embarrassed to admit that. The experience with Brad opened my eyes to many things and I think I am actually better off for it, we all are. Okay, so I sucked a guy’s dick and then fucked him in the ass. And I had a phantom penis in my own butthole! And you want to hear the truth? It felt awesome! What’s the point of life if not to enjoy yourself? Sex is awesome, it feels great and it’s good for you (if you do it right) so why not enjoy every aspect of it?

As for objectifying women, I have new perspective on that too. It’s great! But also, they should objectify us too; turn about if fair play, right? I’m glad most of the local girls requested a poster of my fully nude butt, I’m glad Brad has it too—good for all of them! I wish them all many masturbatory days and nights looking at my naked body. We are all sexual beings and that’s okay, let’s enjoy ourselves and celebrate it!

But it’s not all about sex. It’s also about love and I wish for nothing but everyone to find the true love that Abby and I share.

I am spellbound by how much I love her. Not for her wonderful body (and it is wonderful) but for her—she herself.

It seems in this story I have learned what true love really is and it isn’t physical, it isn’t body parts, it’s something much more than that.

True love for me is Abby Van Houten—the girl—every part of her being.

This has been a very strange story that I have been a part of, but I wouldn’t trade the experience for the world. It brought Abby and I together. It has exposed me to new attitudes and different things.

My mind has been opened and I feel tremendous compassion for my fellow man and woman and I am excited to see what this new awakening will bring.

Thanks for reading.


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