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Note from the author.

This story series is about two people, it is not about a Dom and a Sub.

It is a story, describing the challenges these two persons encounter in their live, and how they try to deal with them. Both of them try to make the best of it and to take account of the wishes and needs of the other. They try, but may be completely wrong in their doing; life ain’t easy…

This is not a manual on how to make the right decisions – as in real live, these persons make mistakes; they may be stupid, they may be lazy, mean, whatever. That’s just the way life goes.

This story series is certainly not written to compete in the ‘Best Dom/Sub Competition’. The two persons each have their own reasons to try a BDSM relationship, and their reasons may be the wrong ones, but they do have the best intentions for each other – they don’t do this to please the BDSM-scene.

In this particular story, but also in the rest of the series, Ruben has some strong views about Anita’s way of dealing with BDSM. It certainly isn’t my intention to judge other life-styles; It isn’t my intention to condemn them – However, Ruben is Ruben, although he may even change in time …

***************

Anita’s shaking woke me up from a deep sleep. “What’s up – Are you alright?”

“I am,” Anita’s sleepy eyes looked anxiously to me, “but what’s going on with you? Are you ok?”

“Why? What’s wrong?” Last thing I remember was being in a room with Stephany, who sometimes morphed into Anita and back. I was paralyzed, and watched her using a razor blade to cut thin slices from her legs, which she then put in her mouth. She’d offered me some of the bloody meat – rubbed it in my face and tried to stuff it in my mouth. “Did I hit you?”

“No, you didn’t hit me, but your body was strained and twisting – it was really scary. Were you dreaming?”

“Yes, I think so. I guess I was having a fight with one of the technicians…”

“Can’t that wait until next week? I thought we were having a long weekend off” Anita smiled, kindly, and softly stroked my arm.

I muttered something unintelligible, and turned my back to Anita, pretending to be directly sleeping again. Anita pushed her body against my back and her arm around me, her thumb softly stroking my upper arm. I could feel her pressing a soft kiss on my shoulder.

The dream had deeply affected me and now, my eyes stared blindly in the darkness while my mind tried to suppress those desperate feelings of impotence.

So far, I hadn’t detected anything from Anita, and I knew the signs. Perhaps she was wrong – maybe Stephany was different, or maybe Anita had a milder version…

In the end, I had not been able to stay with Stephany, so how could I make any promises to Anita?… Would Demi be able to help her; could therapy make a difference?… But I hadn’t noticed anything yet – so maybe it wasn’t true…

Anita did love me – I could feel it in her stroking; she wouldn’t have kissed my back, if she didn’t truly love me. And if you love someone, then you can control yourself, to protect him… right?…

I could hear her calm breathing, feel her body rise and fall – she must have fallen asleep again. She’s so vulnerable… I couldn’t leave her, even if I wanted… It would be unfair – she couldn’t help it either… No-one should have a past like her…

I could hear the sounds of the night: a car in the distance; cats growling to each other, probably fighting over a piece of territory; the ticking of my watch on the side-table. If only I could talk to Demi – she would be able to help me; she would know how to keep things under control – to prevent discussions and arguments…

Don’t scratch yourself – you didn’t do anything wrong; it wasn’t your fault – you’re right, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…

Please, eat something. You’re not fat; you really need to take some food; some energy… I never said you’re skin over bones, not my words; you’re not ugly, you’re beautiful… No you’re beautiful the way you are… Yes, even your arms are beautiful, but… No, I don’t think the scars are beautiful, you’re right, but you can cover them… Yes, you don’t have to be ashamed of yourself, and you can do whatever you like, but… people will look at you, so maybe a jacket – that new jacket I recently bought looks really nice on you… Yes, … no, … I didn’t buy it to cover… I do love you but… no…

My mind wandered, in and out of shallow dreams; memories; thoughts; … fears…

Finally, the alarm clock jumped to 6, and I carefully loosened myself from Anita’s embrace, making sure not to wake her. I put on my glasses, slipped in my t-shirt, grabbed a pair of socks and sneaked out of the bedroom, down the stairs, into the kitchen.

I made myself a coffee and turned on the laptop. I quickly scanned my e-mail list, deleted some of the junk, sent a quick reply to one of my colleagues abroad, and then entered ‘Borderline’ in Google. Wikipedia seemed like a good starting point…

There was a huge amount of information on özbek escort the web; lots from organizations, institutes and clinics, but also on personal account – the first ones generally clinical, but often optimistic that it can be dealt with; blogs and other personal information varied as much as it can be – information from people with Borderline, but also from family, friends and exes; descriptions ranging from amusing situations up to hell and beyond.

Concerning Stephany, I could really see pieces falling in place, and became more and more engulfed by feelings of shame and guilt; how couldn’t I have noticed, and why hadn’t I been more persuasive… Perhaps then…

All of a sudden, Anita stood behind me. “Couldn’t sleep, right? What did you find?”

This reaction – this affection and understanding – did I need any more prove? “Hi Hun, not really, no. I was awake and thought I could do some searching. But I don’t think this is about you. Maybe you have had some issues and a bad start, but I don’t think you don’t have control over yourself…”

“I’ll let Demi know your evaluation…” Anita smiled. “Fancy doing some field research?”

How could I resist… I closed the laptop and followed her back upstairs. We made love and I was even able to get an extra hour of sleep afterwards…

Indeed, it was a sunny day, and I got the bikes out of the garage. The new bikes, rarely used; Stephany’s worn-off bike for daily use had been totally destroyed when… I swallowed; made sure Anita couldn’t see my face…

We went for lunch to the cafeteria in the village, and then we cycled the narrow, winding roads through the dunes. Anita wasn’t used to cycling, so I had to hold back my speed, but it was nice, being outside, feeling the wind blowing in my face.

It’s a beautiful area – I had forgotten how beautiful it actually is – and both of us enjoyed the trip immensely. After about an hour cycling, we stopped, and took ice-cream where we usually… My god – it seemed so long ago, but nothing had changed…

We left the bikes behind, and walked down to the beach, licking our cone. Once near the shore, we took off our shoes and walked barefooted into the water, small waves splashing against our legs. Apparently, many others had taken a day off, and the beach was quite busy with mothers and their toddlers, some teenagers, and quite a few elderly people.

“Would you do that?” I asked, nodding towards a mid-aged woman, lying topless in the sun.

“Now?” she replied, and made a movement as if she was going to take off her shirt there and then.

“No, not now,” I laughed, holding her wrist to stop her, “in general – would you go topless on the beach?”

“Sure, why not?” Anita answered, “I don’t see the problem with that.”

“I don’t know – exposing yourself to all those people… I’m not sure if I’d want my towel next to yours, if you’d do that…”

“Do you see anyone looking at her, except you yourself?”

I guess she had a point…

“Do you think anyone is looking at us now?” I replied.

“No? You changed your mind and do want me to go topless now?!” Anita laughed, but was silenced by my kiss. She put her arms around my neck, while I wrapped mine around her waist, and our lips united in a long, passionate kiss.

We walked on the beach for a while, looking at the seagulls hoovering through the air above the water. After more than an hour, we finally rubbed the sand from our feet, put on our shoes, and went back to the bikes.

“Can you go a bit further?” I asked, “Or would you rather go back already?”

“I’d love to continue,” Anita replied, “but I’m not sure if my bum agrees. Already the saddle started to get uncomfortable, so maybe it’s better to go slowly back home…”

I took a different route on the way back – slightly longer, but with the wind in the back it didn’t take much more time. I made Anita cycle in front of me, and I could see her enjoyment. Had Stephany been the same, when we made these trips together? It certainly hadn’t been many days like this – the bikes were barely used.

We stopped at the square in front of the village-shops. “What shall we do – cook ourselves for today, and go to a restaurant tomorrow?” I asked Anita. She took me by the wrist.

“No! Don’t ask! Just tell me what you want! Today I’ll cook, and tomorrow we will go out! No questions for me! You’ll have to control me, and this is how it starts!!” She sounded very resolute. I wanted to object – that I could cook as well – but her look silenced me… Well… perhaps I could take care of the desert…

“If you do the cooking, then you can also do the shopping. And I want breakfast in bed tomorrow, so go ahead!” I gave her my debit card and kissed her. I was angry – I wondered if I’d ever get comfortable at this dominating-thing. As a game, for a moment – fine – but in normal life?…

Stephany and I always had different opinions concerning shopping – going for the discounts? Cheap products or quality? Which amounts?… mecidiyeköy escort Soon I preferred to go by myself, or, even better, let her do the shopping… She would even summon me to hand over the receipt, to check my spending, which took away all the joy. And then, often when I had put special effort in cooking, she would push the plate away – too fat; too salty; too spicy; … Please!!! Don’t make Anita turn into something similar!!!… Well, her body shape already told me that was unlikely… No complaining, though; just observations…

I bought a coffee and waited for Anita to come back from the shop. I took over the goods and put them in my bicycle bags. Five minutes and we were home.

It was still early when we got home. I told Anita to put the groceries away and make a pot of tea, while I went to the garden-shed to take out a table and chairs. It took me quite some time to get there – unbelievable how much junk had been piled up in that shed – but finally the garden-set was out in the sun. Pillows were probably in the attic; for another time. I did have to clean the furniture though…

It felt so… home, sitting in my own garden, drinking tea… One of our big dreams… How come we had barely made use of them…

I looked around – I always enjoy gardening – one of the first things I had picked up again after… The grass was a bit long – perhaps tomorrow – and I noticed some weed starting to grow between the tiles – talking about slave-work… Could I make her…?

Anita poured in the tea, and suddenly I thought… I rushed into the kitchen, searching the drawer; I remembered buying some biscuits one time… Unfortunately the only package I found was way expired… But I did find some chocolate, which wasn’t bad either…

“I love it here!” Anita exclaimed. “It’s so lovely – this is paradise…” I couldn’t agree more. The sun through the leaves played on her face; she had even put on a t-shirt, enabling her pale arms to get some color. She wasn’t used to this – sometimes she forgot, and then remembered herself to keep her wrists out of the sun. The upper part of her arms was almost spotless.

“Will they fade away?” I asked.

“Maybe. I think there are some crèmes which may help, and otherwise laser-treatment sometimes works well”

“Do you still…?”

“No, I don’t… The last times were with Marc – I only do it when I’m in stress, feeling unhappy, but I think it is over now.” It scared me – she seemed so certain that everything would be perfect with me, while Stephany…

“Do you love me?”

“I think you’re fantastic! You are great!!”

“Thank you, but do you love me?”

“I think you’re the best that ever happened to me!”

“For me as well – it’s great being with you, and I really love you. But do you love me too?!” I knew I shouldn’t be that persistent, but somehow, it seemed important to me to hear the words; I couldn’t resist…

A dark cloud came over Anita’s face. “Why is that so important to know – what is love anyway? You’ve got everything I need; what more could a girl wish for?! I don’t know love – once I get there, I’ll let you know. Don’t spoil the feeling I have!”

That wasn’t the answer I was hoping for, but I left the subject – unsatisfied, but I didn’t want to spoil the rest of the day. Thus far, it had been fantastic – the simple things in life – and I didn’t want to lose it now. I took my tea and sat back, trying to regain my feeling of happiness by looking around. However, the seed was planted with Anita…

“Do you fear I’m leaving you?”

I hesitated, but it was me who started this, so I couldn’t stop now. “If there is no love, then there is nothing that binds us. You didn’t have any problems leaving Marc once you noticed me, and I don’t see why that wouldn’t happen again… But the reason I asked; you loved your grandmother, and therefore you could control yourself…”

“I loved my grandma, but she also knew what she could and could not do to me – she seemed to sense my boundaries…”

I was glad she didn’t touch the subject of leaving – it was too early for that anyway, and I could understand that she didn’t have the right answer yet. But then, what about my own feelings of love… Could they be real, that soon? Could I be blinded by desire?

Fortunately, we managed to turn our conversation to some lighter topics, and the good atmosphere returned. Anita’s smile returned, and after a moment, I felt safe enough…

“Anita, could you?… No, sorry… Anita, I want you to put on the skirt we bought yesterday!”

Anita looked up in surprise, smiled, and went inside, to come back wearing her skirt. “Better?”

“Way better!”

“Anything else?”

“Hm?” I feigned I didn’t understand what she was hinting at.

“You want something more?” Her smile made clear she knew what game I was playing, and she wasn’t shy joining in…

“Not something more – something less perhaps!” I replied, eliciting a roaring laughter from Anita.

“What do you have in azeri escort mind – here; my slipper!” With that, she took one of her slippers and threw it at me. However, it didn’t follow a straight line but landed on the table, knocking over my tea glass which then shattered on the ground.

“Ow!!” Anita’s hands flew to her mouth, and her eyes to my face – shocked; probably afraid for my reaction.

I wasn’t happy – This was Stephany’s tea set, and there were only four glasses, so to me, it was incomplete now. However, I felt an urgent need to get over it – that’s the danger of using things, and our house was no museum…

After a few frozen seconds, Anita started apologizing profoundly; I held up my hands, and told her it was ok – nothing serious. It seemed like she prepared to move; probably to clean up the damage, but I was already back to the state of mind before the incident. I tried a gruff voice, and told her to stay where she was.

Anita was confused – I guess she couldn’t gauge my mood, and she started apologizing again, whimpering her regrets. That wasn’t my intention, so I quickly called her attention. “What was I talking about, before you started your misbehavior?!”

Bewildered, Anita looked at my face, and I smirked – making sure she could grasp my intentions; she did!

Anita sank on her knees, bended her head, and said, with a timid voice “You told me you wanted something less, Sir!”

Thank God! She took it so well! I stepped on a chair to check if the neighbors were in their garden, but I couldn’t see them and their garden door was closed… “So, stand up, and take off your panties!”

Anita complied, her face a nice red gloss of excitement. She stood up, turned her back to me, and lifted her skirt, providing me a better view on her panties than strictly necessary for this task. Her thumbs hooked behind the elastic band, pulling the fabric slowly down, giving me a good look on her white cheeks.

I walked to Anita’s side, put her chair away from the table and sat down. Then, I looked up and stretched out my hand. Obediently, Anita pushed her panties in it, and I stuffed it in the pocket of my jeans.

“I also don’t think your bra is strictly necessary – take it off!!”

Anita fumbled with one hand on her back, pulled one arm inside her t-shirt, and then dragged the bra through the other sleeve. I put it on the table.

“And now the other slipper! Give it to me; giving!! – don’t throw it!!”

The red color on Anita’s face intensified, and she bent over, straight legs, to take off the other slipper. She really knew what she was doing – giving me a good view through the neck of her t-shirt. Then she stood up, her slipper in her hand, and carefully placed it in my hand. I nodded. When my eyes moved down from her face, I could see her nipples poking through the fabric of her t-shirt…

“Over my lap!” Anita complied. If she sensed the bulge in my jeans, then she didn’t show, but she was probably too focused on her own situation. My hand guided her in position – her breasts on one side of my lap, her legs on the other; her belly in the middle and her ass accessible for the slipper… I pulled the fabric of her skirt up to expose her bottom, and I softly stroked the white flesh, evoking a deep sigh.

For a moment, I remained silent – checking if I didn’t hear anyone. Then I took the slipper in the right hand. “I think twenty is appropriate in this case, don’t you agree?”

“Yes Sir!”

“I want you to count them for me.”

“Yes Sir!”

“Do you still remember the code-words?”

“Yes Sir, yellow and red.”

“Ok, here we go!” and I brought the slipper down on her right cheek.

Whack! “Aww!! One! Thank you Sir!” The slipper left a large, red mark on her flesh. It was harder than intended – could she keep up with this for another 19 hits? I decided to hold back a bit, at least for the next fifteen spanks; I could always go full for the last four.

Whack! “Two! Thank you Sir!” Whack! “Three!” …

After ten hits, her ass showed a warm red color; I stroked my hand over it, evoking a shiver. I was worried it would be too much. I knew we had discussed code-words, but what if she wanted to prove herself worthy, and didn’t use them when necessary… I told her so: “I think this will do! Stand up!”

However, Anita wasn’t willing to go yet. “No, please Sir; I won’t feel comfortable with you, I will keep a guilty feeling, unless you give me that what I deserve!”

Another thing that worried me – very much – was her history of self-mutilation. She had used pain, damaged her body before, to … Well, I didn’t even know why she had done that, but could it be that she would never stop me – allow me to cause harm on her body too?

I was very much in doubt. Should I do what I’d promised? In a way, it was giving in to Anita again, but on the other hand, what about my credibility… I remembered some pictures on the Internet, of people that had been spanked black and blue, and the red color of Anita didn’t even come close to that. Hence, I deemed it save to continue.

“Anita!” I called for her attention, “do you promise me to stop me – to use the safety code – before it is too late? I don’t want to damage you in any way. If that happens, I will never ever do this again. Will you stop me?”

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