Wooden man.

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I sat alone in the corner, now that the vampires are all dead they don’t need me anymore but they said they’d still use me as a plaything now and then. I should introduce myself before I tell my story I suppose, I’m Milo, a walking, talking wooden man. I know what you’re thinking, I can’t be real but tell that to the 3 Witches that created me. My Witches were 800 years old, they’d use the sexual energy from young men to keep themselves young, the more they fucked, the longer they’d stay looking young and pretty. They never harmed the men of course but when the vampires came to town the appeal of a hot Witch wore off and when the men started to go missing it became harder still to seduce them.


“Oooh, these are in there pretty good, did you finally get yourself a male?” Said Chloe as she pulled the fangs from my neck with her pliers.

“I did Mistress, he got so mad when he tried to glamour me he bit me really hard.” I replied with a smile.

“Well I’m proud of you my pet, did you keep a vial to fix these holes?”

“Yes Mistress.” I replied, holding up the small vial of dead vampire blood I’d use to repair the fang damage.

I was originally created as a man sized sex doll. They gave me a nice big cock and coated me in a special varnish, glass eyes that looked pretty real, wired limbs so I could be posed and was as real looking as a wood carving could look. When a young vampire came to visit, looking to feed off what he thought was just 3 sisters living alone, he got the surprise of his short vampire life that it was in fact 3 Witches living there and I think his last words were ‘oh fuck’ right before he was brutally slaughtered, a long wooden spear jammed into his heart and his head lopped off with an ancient sword. Blood sprayed everywhere of course, a large amount of it covering me from head to toe and it actually made my varnished skin look real.

“Zoe, look, he looks alive! I’ve heard of vampire blood healing humans but I’ve never seen it do this!”

“Well how often do people have pose-able wooden sex dolls just sitting around to spill it on. Oh! Oh! I have an idea.” Said Zoe.

Zoe came back with one of her incantation books and found the spell she was looking for.

“Maya, get me some devil’s root, weavel blood and garlic.” She said.

“Oh, you’re a genius! We can send him out, seduce them and stake them all! We’ll get our youth back, the men will want us again.” Said Chloe, looking down at the spell open in the book.

“I’ll make a new arm for him with a spring loaded stake but with this coated on him they won’t know he’s not real until it’s too late.” Said Maya.

They mixed the potion and poured it over me, read the incantation from the book and I woke to my new life. They taught me the art of vampire seduction, they would try and bite me at some point and when their fangs got stuck in me, my spring loaded stake would come out and I’d jam it in their cold dead hearts.

I still remember my first, she was old but had on a young face. She was enamored with my charm, fascinated by my unique smell and had to have me. She took me to her room, stripped naked, tried to hypnotize (glamour) me and when my glass eyes repelled it she just went straight for my throat, her fangs getting stuck in my dense wooden neck.

“Whr thr fggg” She muttered.

I forgot to get my stake out and instead ripped her teeth out pushing her away from me, blood pouring from her mouth she scrambled back to the corner of her bed then just closed her eyes as I finally remembered and drove the stake into her. I managed to pull the teeth from my neck, covered myself in blood from the puddle of goop that was left of her and left, setting off a garlic smoke bomb as I did. I got better as racked up more kills, my Witches taught me how to seduce men too but they were a bit more cautious and harder to attract.

A few months after I was created, I accidentally attracted a regular human, she was pretty, very smart and very feisty with long blond hair and a great body.

“I said, can I buy you a drink.” She said as I sat alone.

“I uh, no I’m fine.” I replied.

“Nonsense, I see you in here all the time, you always leave with one of the pretty girls, am I not your type or something?”

“You are a beautiful woman but you’re not for me.”

“Oh, now I’m intrigued because I swear I seen you leave with a girl who could have Merter Escort been my twin.” She said as she sat down.

“It’s a long story, I’m here to meet someone.”

“Uh huh, and you’ll be back tomorrow to meet someone new. I don’t care if you’re a man whore, I just like sex and you’re handsome.”

“Is this girl bothering you? It’s Milo right, you’re wearing the black rose I asked you to so I knew it’d be you.” Said the tall woman with black hair.

“I was just leaving, take care.” Said the blonde and walked off.

“I don’t like it here, I think it’s being frequented by hunters, can we maybe go straight to my place?” Said my ‘date’.

“I’d love that.” I replied.

“With vampires going missing every week we have to be so cautious now, you said you want to be turned after you feed me?”

“Yes, I want the power you hold in you.”

“Well good, you do smell wonderful.” She said, smiling at me.

We got back to her place, she handed me a glass of wine and after excusing herself, came back wearing just a sheer silk robe, her naked body smooth and flawless. She undid a few buttons on my shirt, had me strip naked then kissed the side of my neck before she sunk her fangs into me. She pulled herself away though, a look of horror on her face as the blood from her mouth ran down her body, she yelled out something in a language that sounded like ancient German, spraying blood over my chest, I quickly sprung my stake and stabbed her. She didn’t explode like the others though, the stake came out of her covered in a green ooze. The hole it left was getting black though. I didn’t know what to do, I ducked out of the way in time to avoid the axe that her companion swung at me but suddenly the door burst open and my would be attacker was shot in the heart with a crossbow bolt and exploded blood all over me. The crossbow shooter was none other than the blonde from the bar, she closed and barred the door then put her crossbow down after reloading it.

“Oooh, good job, I’ve been after this one for a while.” She said, playing with the vampire’s hair.

“Who are you?”

“I have many names, you can call me Clara though. This, can’t be killed with a wooden stake, you need to stab her in the heart with silver, which is just what I happen to have. Are you the one with the garlic bombs? Those are genius by the way. Put your clothes on and get the bomb ready, we won’t have a lot of time after I kill this thing.”

I quickly covered myself in the crossbowed vampire’s blood then once it had dried in I took a vial for the fang holes, put my collar up and opened the compartment in my stomach for the garlic bomb.

“Oh they’re going to hate this, finding out days after their queen is killed to find her skull with no fangs.” Said Clara who then took a silver dagger and stabbed the vampire in the heart.

The vampire queen shuddered in agony then just collapsed in a gooey mess with only her skull left in the puddle. I took a large vial of the green goop, set the garlic bomb on it’s timer then left with Clara. I dressed in the hallway, the garlic bomb going off with a muffled pop and noticed Clara grinning at me.

“I have like, so many questions, lets get out of here though, they’ll have sensed their queen is dead and they’ll probably send humans, I don’t kill humans.”

We got to a motorcycle that sat outside and sped off into the night, stopping at a small camper just outside of town. There were garlic bulbs everywhere and little battery misters spraying essence of garlic into the air too.

“We’re pretty safe in here, they’ve never seen me so have never came looking.” Said Clara.

“I should get back, my Mistress will worry.” I replied.

“Well when we tell her what you did she’ll be happy. Let me at least get those from you, may I have one since I helped you?”


“What are you?” She said, pulling the teeth out of my neck with her pliers.

I quickly explained how I came to be, what I was made for and what I’d become.

“That is fucking genius, I love it! So these Witches, they don’t take anything from their men, just gain energy from the sex endorphins?”

“Right but since the vampires arrived they’ve been forgotten.”

“Oh, this is so exciting. I have an idea, I’ll need to lay low for a while but I’ll find you. Take care my wooden man.”

I made my way home, my Witches were all Escort Bayan frantic thinking I’d been killed but they were happy to see me.

“Is this what I think it is?” Said Zoe, looking at the queen’s fang I gave her.

“It is, I gave the other one to the woman that helped me.” I replied.

“What woman, did you tell her what you are?” Said Chloe.

“I did but she only hunts vampires, I told her you never take anything from the men and hate vampires too. I think she’s a slayer.”

“Oooh, we used to train those back in the day but we haven’t needed to for 200 years If I wasn’t so tired and old I’d start again.” Said Mara.

“I have something else for you Mistress.” I said with a smile.

I took off my shirt, took the vial of queen goop out and held it out to them.

“Is that what I think it is?” Said Chloe.

“I was able to replenish with the vampire’s blood that Clara had killed, this is the stuff that’s left over from the queen.” I replied.

“She had a silver dagger? I’m sorry, it’s been so long and I didn’t think you’d find a queen.” Said Chloe.

She took the vial from me and gave me a hug.

“Sisters, do you know what this can give us? A drop of this mixed with our lotions will give use our youthful appearance, we can start seducing men again!” Said Chloe.

“It takes weeks to start working but we have enough to last a long time, good work Milo!”

The Witches all jumped when the doorbell rang.

“Who can that be, didn’t you have a repellent spell up?” Said Mara.

“I do. Send Milo in case it’s a vampire.” Said Zoe.

I came back to the lounge with Clara beside me.

“I’m really sorry to intrude but I come with great respect and a way that we can help each other.” Said Clara.

“How did you get through our spell?” Said Zoe.

“I was trained by Master Zortan, he gave me this to help in the fight.” Said Clara, showing them a small tattoo on her wrist.

“He’s still alive?” Said Mara.

“No, the vampires couldn’t get to him so they sent humans and they ambushed him, I couldn’t save him. Before though, he told me of legendary Witches, when Milo here told me how you get your energy I knew it was you. I used to give him the same energy, he’d make me cum so hard and kept the body of a 30 year old from my climaxes. I humbly have a proposal for you. I can bring you a few men who would happily fuck all 3 of you then when they’re done I’ll set up a steady supply of hot young studs to come and fuck you. In return I’d like to keep Milo to hunt with me, he’s managed to kill off all but 5 from a pretty nasty nest and now that the queen is gone they’ll get dangerous. When we’re done here I’m needed in Arizona, I’ve been tracking a queen there and with my walking stake here they won’t know what hit them.”

“Your plan has but one flaw my dear, we all look like we’re 80, we still work down there but who would fuck us?” Said Chloe.

“Let me worry about that, I promise I can deliver. As for the supply of men when you’re younger, there’s this app and it makes it so easy. I’ll set up your profiles and if you’re as beautiful as I believe you are from Master Zortan’s stories then they’ll be lining up to get you.” Said Clara.

“Well, if you can deliver that, Milo is all yours.” Said Zoe, shaking Clara’s hand.

“I’ll be back in an hour.” Said Clara.

True to her word, Clara arrived an hour later with 3 men, they were all in their 40’s but they were blind.

“And you said they know we’re blind and don’t care?” Said one.

“Yes, Stephen, they’re a little shy and self conscious but they’re just interested in your dicks.” Replied Clara as she led them in.

“These are my friends, they were in an accident and lost their sight but from walking in on each of them jerking off at some point in the hostel I can tell you they all have functioning cocks.” Said Clara.

“Well, lets get you 3 comfortable and out of them clothes.” Said Zoe.

I didn’t watch the Witches taking their men but when they brought them back to the lounge they looked like women in their 30’s. All 3 men were grinning ear to ear.

“Oh, that was easily the best sex I’ve had in years m’lady, thank you so much.” Said Steve. The other men agreed.

“Well, let me get these 3 back and I’ll be back to set up your profiles.” Said Clara with a smile.

“Oh, Clara. Give them this istanbul Escort in their tea tonight, when they wake they’ll have their sight again, don’t tell them, let it be a surprise for what they’ve given us.” Said Mara quietly, handing a small pouch to her.

“Thank you so much!” Replied Clara, hugging her.

“For what?” Said Steve.

“Never you mind, lets go you old horndog.” Said Clara.

Clara came back a little later and set up the promised profiles with pictures, a fake bio and showed them how to use it. They were getting messages before we even left.

“Clara, you’ve given us our lives back, are you sure Milo is all you want in return?” Said Chloe.

“My parents were killed by vampires when I was 12, Master Zortan gave me a path and my life exists to wipe them from this earth. Milo will be a better weapon than my crossbow and daggers and will be more than thank you and I’ll be honored to use a creation from you.” She replied.

“Well you honor us Clara, thank you again.”

It took a few weeks to track them down, we had the last one of the remaining vampires cornered in a run down warehouse in an abandoned industrial part of the city.

“This doesn’t feel right Milo, split up, keep your radio on.” Said Clara as we made our way inside.

Ten minutes later I heard an electronic squelch from the radio, a noise they usually made when they were smashed. I followed the voices I heard to find Clara hanging by her leg on the end of a rope. The vampire we were after was toying with her, spinning her around.

“The great slayer, the queen killer, caught by a lowly initiate. I’ve only been a vampire for twenty years but taking in your head will make me a master and I’ll be given a nest of my own. I’m going to feed from you for days of course.” It said.

“Not with this in you.” I said, driving the stake through his back into his heart.

I looked down at the metallic button after I cut Clara down.

“Oh fuck, dead man’s switch, he has the place rigged to blow!”

Clara winced in pain as she picked me up, I wasn’t very heavy so she was able to throw me through the window with ease. No sooner had I gone through, smashing the glass as I flew through the air, when the building exploded, throwing me further and into the river. Being made of wood I floated just fine, I got home a few hours later, Chloe answered the door, the sounds of sex coming from the lounge telling me they had been making great use of their app already.

“Well you don’t have any damage, sorry about Clara, she was wonderful. We’ll find another use for you, go sit in the corner for now, I have twins coming over.” She said when I told her what happened.

A few days later the women all sat eating breakfast at the table, all three were naked, enjoying their new youthful bodies from all the sex they’d been getting.

“Oh, do you feel that?” Said Chloe as she got to her feet.

“Has been so long but yes I do.” Said Zoe.

Right as Mara stood up a bright flash lit up the room and a naked Clara appeared on the table, a man was between her legs and they were clearly fucking.

“You are cleaning up this mess Zoltar and you better not get cum on my tiles.” Said Chloe, wiping spilled coffee from her breasts.

“Oh you know I always hated you calling me that, it’s Zortan, not the arcade machine from that Big movie.” He said, pulling out of Clara and gently climbing off the table.

Clara gingerly got to her feet.

“Master Zortan had banished himself with a portal when they tried to get him the same way, with my energy he was able to come back. Milo! You are safe!” Said Clara, kissing me on the forehead.

“How long has it been my friend, 300, 400 years?” He said, hugging Zoe.

“500, we thought you’d died years ago.” She replied.

“I kept a low profile for a while, these vamps were tough business. This one is one of the best I’ve trained though, better than Van Helsing in many ways.” Said Zortan.

“Well, I’m not allowed to be here with all 3 of you so I will take my leave, may she take Milo? I’m going back into exile in Alaska, those stoner chicks up there love this old wizard, get all the pussy I need.” He said.

“He belongs to her, she gave us our lives back.”

Arizona took us a year to cleanse, we got them all though and are headed to Texas to join a team hunting a large nest there. I might be made of wood but I think I love my slayer, I’m sure when she rides my wooden cock she feels that too. I just need to find the right sandpaper this time, she’s still mad about the last splinter I gave her…

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